|
[11 Jul 2008|11:44pm] |
lately i bin feelin' intensely maternal. i can't wait to have a little girl, or at least baby-sit for my older brother if and when him and his wife start having youngins. i wanna be the cool aunt. the one who's got funky bookshelves all over her san francisco apartment, bursting with books & has a kickin cookie recipe & a tattoo & a boyfriend who's a comicbook artist & a live aloe plant & a retro bicycle. gotta get on the tattoo. & learning how to ride a bicycle.
until then, i help out the sparrows down by the lake whenever i take a book down to read. there's a fierce war waging between the red-winged blackbirds and sparrows. whenever they get into fights, i charge at the blackbirds and wave my arms around-- discreetly, like a girl who's not crazy. i like to help out the underdogs.
my friend carolyn is a wonderful person. she's eternally generous, and genuinely loves ppl in a way i don't know if i ever will. o what a double-edged sword admiration is! envy and love all wrapped up in one human package.
second time i tried watching sylvia. fell asleep the first time. woke up on the couch again when the credits began to roll. i think i got further the first time. it just wasn't meant to be, slyvie. :(
|
|
| the coolest kid on the block |
[03 Jul 2008|01:20am] |
i think my aunt is worried i don't have any friends.
for the past two weeks, whenever she comes home and hears i didn't go out that day except to walk to the library and get a slushee at 7-11 (if heaven was condensed into an icy drink, it would be: 1/3 cherry, 1/3 pina colada, and 1/3 banana), her first reaction is to quietly absorb this in her head and then reassure me, "you can bring friends over, you know. are you okay?"
she asks me the latter question a lot. it usually comes up when i do something quiet, like read a book, or chat on AIM, or play iSketch/MapleStory.
my aunt and uncle left this morning on a chinese bus tour for niagra falls. they're gone for the july 4th weekend, leaving me to man the fortress on my own for a couple of days. my aunt's anxiety over leaving me alone fixated more on my well-being than the house's (i was once hanging out with a friend and playing scrabble. i went to the fridge for a snack and got a container of prunes. apparently i'm a 98-year-old woman disguised as a 18-year-old girl. either way, safe bet that the house will still be there after my scrabble-playing, cat-rearing, knitting, prune-eating wild ways)
last night my aunt told me, "our neighbor's son is having a birthday party. she said you are more than welcome to come. and if you want to invite a friend she said that's all right too. that way you'll feel more comfortable."
"oh," i said. "that's nice of her. how old is her son?"
"five or six."
my life = an episode straight out of GOSSIP GIRL.
what're yr big july 4th plans??
|
|
| "Hell is other people" or the one where i regurgitate quotes cuz i can't name this feeling |
[02 Jul 2008|02:16am] |
"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
"But when [hummingbirds] rest they come close to death: on frigid nights, or when they are starving, they retreat into torpor, their metabolic rate slowing to a fifteenth of their normal sleep rate, their hearts sludging nearly to a halt, barely beating, and if they are not soon warmed, if they do not soon find that which is sweet, their hearts grow cold, and they cease to be...
You can brick up your heart as stout and tight and hard and cold and impregnable as you possibly can and down it comes in an instant, felled by a woman’s second glance, a child’s apple breath, the shatter of glass in the road, the words ‘I have something to tell you,’ a cat with a broken spine dragging itself into the forest to die, the brush of your mothers papery ancient hand in the thicket of your hair, the memory of your father’s voice early in the morning echoing from the kitchen where he is making pancakes for his children."
"The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."
"This song/Is sweet. It is sweet. The heart dies of this sweetness."
|
|
| hunh |
[24 Jun 2008|03:00am] |
You Learn Something New Everyday:
birds begin to chirp at 3 AM
i kept this journal for 3 years. i don't put as much effort into my posts as i used to except to shoot out the occasional knee-jerk entry when i'm feeling in a funk, which kind of sucks cuz i hate to be a bummer, or worse, like that person who manages to kill the mood by only offering conversations that revolve around their hypochondriac maladies ("i think my lymph nodes are swollen. do they feel swollen to you? touch them. i think they're hot. go on, touch them")
i'm sorry i make you touch my lymph nodes. especially since most of y'all are on my friends list because i think yr sharp, thoughtful, funny, and interesting people. i check my friends list pretty often & read yr entries even though my comments are pretty scanty.
but i'm not as sorry i don't depend as much on internet blogs as i used to. i feel like a lot of issues i wrestled with over the internet i'm finding out away from the computer. through taking risks and putting myself out there instead of isolating myself while i "figure it all out" on my own. that, i certainly don't regret.
it wouldn't feel right to delete this journal but i guess this is the beginning of an understandable itch to start a new one.
|
|
| paul yoon |
[09 Jun 2008|06:59pm] |
who are you, paul yoon?
where are you hiding, paul yoon?
i am so curious about you, paul yoon.
why don't you do more readings or publish more stories, paul yoon?
i like yo' writing style, paul yoon.
write a novel or something, paul yoon.
paul yoon
|
|
| whooooo are you? who, who. who, who. |
[06 Jun 2008|12:48pm] |
the time-old question of personhood.
my english teacher wrote in my yearbook that i was "mature and soulful," which i misinterpreted as "i don't care that you're underage."
words i heard this year:
"gutsy"
"brave"
"bold"
"honest"
"obnoxious"
"silly"
"crazy"
"unique"
the other day i heard my boss talking about a manuscript that was just published. it's about people at an age where they think their personalities are set, and their parents pass away. however, after their parents' death, these people find themselves making positive, radical changes they might not have done while their parents were still alive. in the words of my boss, "it's a taboo subject but it's written with humanity and great compassion."
oooooh i don't know.
this question is too hard to answer.
& there's a woodpecker outside my window! never seen one before.
|
|
| indiana jones 4 |
[01 Jun 2008|12:33am] |
( spoiler )
also
"the curious case of benjamin button." about a man who ages backwards. has brad pitt and cate blanchett. wiki sez it's also a short story by f. scott fitzgerald.
it looks dark and slightly creepy, but maybe beautiful and poignant. i'm intrigued!
|
|
|
[23 May 2008|06:10pm] |
first year of college = over.
i dunno.
a lot of growth. a lot of fear. a lot more honesty. a lot of revelations. a lot more vulnerability. a lot of love. so much love i don't understand why i receive so much of it, but lately if i cry, it's because love gently breaks my heart and humbles me.
it's been a crazy year & i can't wait for more of my life to unfold.
|
|
| i'm supposed to be packing |
[08 May 2008|09:13pm] |
1. Where is your mobile phone?
purse
2. Your significant other?
waiting
3. Your hair?
clean
4. Your mother?
far
5. Your father?
far
6. Your favourite thing?
love
7. Your dream last night?
reassurance
8. Your favourite drink?
cool
9. Your dream/goal?
fulfillment
10. The room you're in?
boxed
11. Your ex?
lol
12. Your fear?
regret
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years?
alive
14. Where were you last night?
studying
15. What you're not?
perfect
16. Muffins?
meh
17. One of your wish list items?
books
18. Where you grew up?
privileged
19. The last thing you did?
eat
20. What are you wearing?
casual
21. Your TV?
laptop
22. Your pets?
smelly
23. Your computer?
hot
24. Your life?
unexpected
25. Your mood?
aware
26. Missing someone?
no
27. Your car?
subway
28. Something you're not wearing?
jacket
29. Favourite Store?
barnes
30. Your summer?
promising
31. Like someone?
maybe
32. Your favourite colour?
red
33. When is the last time you laughed?
tonight
34. Last time you cried?
recent
|
|
| how awkward am i? |
[05 May 2008|05:10pm] |
"Hey."
"Hi!"
"Nice weather we're having."
"Good, thanks. How about you?"
"..."
"Hahahaha that's totally not what you said at all."
"Hahaha, nope."
"Well, bye."
you know how you act kind of weird when you have a crush on someone in a nervous and giddy kind of way? imagine you have a crush on everyone you meet. that's me. resolution: be more socially adept than i am now by the end of college.
|
|
|
[27 Apr 2008|10:45am] |
And I'll gamble away my fright.
And I'll gamble away my time.
And in a year, a year or so
this will slip into the sea
|
|
|
[22 Apr 2008|12:16am] |
Some people might say it's indulgent to listen to Philip Glass in the dark at midnight and watch the lit-end of your neighbor's cigarette as she smokes it out a tiny crack in her window.
I agree.
|
|
| stupid |
[21 Apr 2008|03:33am] |
Apparently when you haven't had milk in a while and are worried about being lactose intolerant, chugging a full glass of whole chocolate milk is a stupid way to quell your fears about being lactose intolerant. It's a poor gamble with dire consequences.
That paired with a nightmare about the girl from "The Ring" = stupidest reason to be unable to sleep at 3:34 AM.
Honestly. It's been five years but that movie must have really fucked up my brain because I continually have nightmares about that freaky-ass girl.
Although in my nightmare I wanted to get over my fear of "The Ring." I was convinced I was back home in California and was going to watch the movie to finally get over it once and for all. I even went downstairs to the kitchen to get a bowl of grapes. They were the really tasty grapes too. They were the fat and juicy kind. I heard my mom snoring, and my dad was in the den checking stocks. I got back into bed, ate some grapes, and tried watching the movie.
There were a lot of red-glowing eyes, and then I had the image of the girl from "The Ring" all grown up from another nightmare wake me up.
Actually, all things considered, the dream makes me home-sick and want a bowl of grapes more than anything else.
This is the randomest post ever. I'm going to go watch "South Park" and head back to bed.
|
|
| all the cool kids are doin' it |
[18 Apr 2008|05:47pm] |
My
Personality
| | Neuroticism | | Extraversion | | Openness to Experience | | Agreeableness | | Conscientiousness | |
| You
are a calm person who is considered almost fearless by some, however
you experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure
or stress. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to
sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities.
You prefer facts over fantasy and are more interested in what is
happening in the real word. You see no need for pretense or
manipulation when dealing with others and are therefore candid, frank
and sincere. People find it relatively easy to relate to you, however
you mostly assume that people are honest and fair, however you are wary
and hold back from trusting people completely. You have a strong sense
of duty and obligation, and feel a moral obligation to do the right
thing.
| Take a Personality
Test now or view the full Personality
Report.
The best Buying Pet
Gifts.
|
|
|
|
[15 Apr 2008|06:41pm] |
This book I just bought smells like ass. Like grade-A ass.
My hamster's wheel was squeaking last night around 2 AM so I took a Q-Tip and went to the kitchen for some olive oil. One of my suitemate was there and so was her boyfriend, who was shirtless. They were baking cookies and there was this awkward pause as I came in between them to get the olive oil. I'm not sure what was weirder. That I walked in on what they thought was a private moment, or the fact that they were probably wondering what kind of sexual practice or medical condition I have that entails a Q-Tip and a bottle of olive oil.
Started training for my internship. ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) slomosexual, I read a manuscript from an MFA graduate from Arizona University. It was pretty bomb. I gave it a "CONSIDER."
I can already tell college is going to go by way too fast.
|
|
| primavera |
[10 Apr 2008|11:37pm] |
Today was the first beautiful day in a long, long time.
Hurray for!
~ice cream
~sun
~happy dogs
~good friends
Today was a good day.
|
|
| irony! |
[09 Apr 2008|05:07pm] |
Went to the Bowery Poetry Club + Elyse to see the lovely Kim Addonizio, who played her harmonica but dashed away when I came back from the bathroom after I tried stalling to see if I could work up the nerve to go up and ask her for a picture (I know... I know... my awkward shyness. I'm working on it!). I felt shy about using "Kim," and I still have no fucking idea how to pronounce "Ms. Addonizio."
Once we entered the cafe, I remember I had been there before. I was 14 and we were looking for a place to eat and had stumbled randomly inside, fooled by the cafe front. At this point we had walked past four restaurants and I was just ready to eat (nothing has changed. I get pretty cranky and even more impatient when I'm hungry). I remember this place since an older, middle-aged man approached me and tried to make small talk, but being oh-so-timid I was freaked out by his constant questions. At one point he asked me where I was from.
"Here," I said, so flustered I figured I would lie and say I was from the city if it meant he'd leave me alone and let us eat.
"Oh really. You mean here?" He leaned in close. "Here at this spot?"
At this point I inched away. Nobody looked willing to sit down and eat anyway, so we left and I promised myself to never come back to this cafe. Then last night, surprise!
This happens to me all the time. People I feel awkward running into, I run into in a city of 8 million people. Clubs I make a note not to join, I wind up joining. People I would never consider dating are suddenly on my periphery. I give up. Life is funny.
|
|
| sidenote |
[02 Apr 2008|12:16am] |
I picked up my hamster and she peed on me a little, but immediately licked it clean.
Nasty but I'll take it as a sign of affection.
|
|
| total fan girl |
[28 Mar 2008|12:45pm] |
We're reading "Confessions of St. Augustine" in class and during recitation. Today our TA brought up the notion of good v.s. bad.
"Can you think of any popular movies or stories today that deal with good v.s. bad?" she asked.
"Lord of the Rings."
"That's right. [analysis about good v.s. bad and a slight reference to questions of race in the book] Anything else?"
I perked up, knowing what answer she was looking for. "Harry Potter!"
"Yes. It also deals with good versus evil. There is a transition between J.R.R. Tolkien to J.K. Rowling... although I think Rowling treats the subject in a more complex manner."
I bet you do. I bet you do, I thought to myself.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
